Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: