Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
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My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Sing it!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
That’s classic.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
79.
You are what you delete.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained