Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
ouch
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
#milo
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I see your IQ test came back negative
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?