priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭