PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
2022: I can fix it
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.