PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.