Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.