Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
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(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however