Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
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I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Did my cat write this
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
How wrong was this guy?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.