Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
You Might Also Like
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment