Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.