PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
True statement👍😏😁
smartest karate player in the world
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.