PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.