PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship