Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?