Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
You Might Also Like
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.