[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.