[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money