PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.