PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement