Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above