Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.