Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.