Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Said the murderer.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
got so much cardio in today
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”