Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.