priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.