Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall