*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
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[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Gods work.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: