Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
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*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.