Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Hey I worked for it too!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I think they could have phrased this better
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”