Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong