PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Hey I worked for it too!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*