PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
When can I start eating bats again.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
@ candidates for local office
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.