the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
You Might Also Like
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.