Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?