Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.