Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
You Might Also Like
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
🌱🌱🌱
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
#Caturday
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Aaaa…CHOO!
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.