Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.