Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*