Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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stand with me against insufficient seating
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
#SaturdayBears
just leave it at the foot of the bed
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.