Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”