Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what