[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”