[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you