Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
rise and shine we got egg
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
We avoided this particular disaster
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.