{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Camping tip: No.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.