Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works