PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
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I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight