*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.