[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out